So I have been to Israel numerous times. Six months here, 8 months there, two weeks thrown in for good measure... Israel has quite easily become my second home. I have a slew of friends, family and former flings there that it almost sometimes feels as if there is a whole different Jessica alter-ego that is simultaneously living another life across the world. Whenever I go to Israel, I easily fall back into another life and the transition seems so seamless.

The beach of Tel Aviv. How dreamy.

While it was amazing to see everyone- especially because I had trained myself to forget about Israel because I honestly thought it would be years before I would ever return- this trip was definitely different from every past trip that I had taken. 

The main reason why it was so different was because it was just a trip.

Usually when I am off for Israel, I am there for months. And leaving is an incredibly dramatic and painful process where I typically spend the following week in a ketonic depression filled with copious amounts of chocolate and vodka. Seriously, a dangerously delicious depression- but depression nonetheless.

This time, however, from the minute I boarded my plane in Logan the moment I was most excited for (okay, well technically second most excited for. I was super duper excited to see the face of my friend Melissa when I surprised her at her apartment) for was to come back home and be with my boyfriend again (cue vomit... I know).

The girls... After the big surprise! 

But it was more than just seeing my boyfriend. It was getting back to the life I had started making for myself here. Because every other time I had gone to Israel I really had nothing to come back to. Sure, I had university and a smattering of friends- but no real foundation. I didn't have an anchor holding me and guiding me steadily. I always had assumed that Israel was my anchor. 

But now I am in a completely different place than I ever thought I would end up. And I love it. 

I am starting university in one week. Tomorrow I begin my job training. I have started volunteering teaching my citizenship classes again on Saturdays. I have a full plate, but I feel grateful for every bit on it because I have a feeling I haven't had in a very, very long time- or perhaps ever. I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. 

While nothing in my life has been according to 'my plan', it does not even seem to matter. Because finally, I have begun to finally "figure it out" and while I may not be there 100% (and let's face it- who really is?) I am definitely on my way. And if it took me $1,200 and two weeks across the world to figure it out, then I'll take that too. 

This past year has been nothing short of a twisty, sometimes scary, a bit overwhelming super-sized roller coaster. 

Exactly one year ago I had my bank accounts closed, my bags packed and ticket purchased to move abroad with my best friend to spend a year working, backpacking and partying in South America. About a week before we were supposed to leave, she canceled via a phone call that ultimately destroyed our friendship and took me an incredibly long time to heal from.

But then a little miracle happened. I found an inner strength in me that I never knew existed. Because even though break-ups suck, breaking up with a friend can sometimes be even more traumatic. And devastating. But then I realized how much stronger I was for it and I learned to forgive and move on. And then, somehow, amazing things happened. 

With bank accounts already closed and bags already packed, I decided to apply to get my Israeli citizenship and move over there. Somehow while waiting for my passport and citizenship card (which to this day I am still waiting for due to the Army being stubborn) I met the most amazing man and I fell incredibly, madly and deeply in love. Within weeks of dating, I just had a feeling in my gut and I knew. 

But that meant I had to make a decision: stay and see where this relationship would go or follow 'my plan' and my dream to move to Israel. 

A lot of factors influenced my decision. I was still reeling from the hurt I had experienced from my friend backing out of our original plan and was scared to take another risk on someone else. I was scared to give myself to them, only to have them decide they don't want me. From my friend, I had realized a really harsh truth: people are selfish and they will do whatever serves them best. Which isn't necessarily bad, but so far out of my realm of thinking. 

Luckily the man I fell in love with is also unselfish and told me to follow wherever my heart decided; he would understand. 

It was agonizing trying to make that decision. Weeks of late nights and pro & con sheets tormented me. But I always came back to the same decision: I don't want to look back on my life and know that one person ruined any trust relationships I would have in my life. 

I went with my heart. 

And you know what? I haven't regretted it for a second. 

True, sometimes when we fight I wonder "What would have happened had I left? Would I have been happier?" And it is such a fleeting thought because it is so absurd. Because even when we fight and I slam doors, I still love that man with everything I have. 

So exactly one year ago today I was recovering from a broken heart. That girl, jaded at the world and feeling so betrayed every night in her bed alone, is so different from the girl today. 

Life is still hard. There are still bills to pay, loneliness to combat and dreams to realize I am in a better place than I ever could have imagined. And even though the ups and downs of life can be intense, it still is a rollercoaster I intend on riding til the very end.